On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize