Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
my liver is dry heaving
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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