remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize