i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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