Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
