I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
is it fun? or sober?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
