i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
