my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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