She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
