wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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