Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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