Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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