Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
