Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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