ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
