Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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