remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize