The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
