WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
