i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
