I wish they made helmets for livers.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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