I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
