my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
