Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
