Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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