I wish I could teleport
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
