He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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