im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
