I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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