He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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