he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
