where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
