he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
