if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
