I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
