The maid of honor just puked.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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