just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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