He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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