i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
