Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
