It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
