I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
