i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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