Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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