my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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