guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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