There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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