She is in my trunk
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
