apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
