I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Randomize