Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You smell like stripper and shame
I wish you could order shots online.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
