dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i would punch a child for taco bell
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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