The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
