So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
