I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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