Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
