Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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