Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
