I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
