having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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