my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
