I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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