FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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