Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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