After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
