ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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