It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
