someone get that fucking seahorse.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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