Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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