I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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