is your mom at the bar?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
