I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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