she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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