I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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